The First Post...

...is always the hardest. Well, at least not for a critic. We always have something to comment on, somethingn that deserves to be commented on (at least in our eyes). So, I have decided to clear up a few things about critics first so I don't have to explain myself again and again. All I will have to do is refer you to this post (if you have been refered to this post, you've gotta learn to suck it up and understand that you have just been smacked down by a critic and need to probably wipe youself down with a moist towlet).

First off, critics are not, I repeat, NOT pessimists. We do not sit back and say "The world sucks, so why care?" and suck our thumbs. Critics say "The world sucks, and its your/their/his/her/its fault", sit back and watch the chaos ensue. Just like Friedrich Nietzsche said "Out of chaos, comes order." Secretly, critics hope the order comes out in their favor. But that is beside the point. Critics are not pessimists, though we may seem to have a pessimistic view on certain things. Just like how politicians are not evil, although they do seem to give off that impression with the black capes, raspy breathing and tendency to choke thier subordinates (or is that just?...aw screw it).

Second off, critics usually piss people off. And that's too bad for them. We don't care if you find what we have to say offensive to you or you disagree with us. Don't get in a tizzy, just understand that people think differently than you (and are right all the time).

Thirdly and finally, critcs are the worlds wake-up call. We are that annoying buzzer on Monday morning after your hard night of drinking, and every buzzer after that. Except on the weekdays. Critics are the most important part of the worlds eco-system. They span every species, and are responsible for evolution. You may laugh, but here is my argument for that statement.

Example A
Senario: Two Cavemen in their Cave

Caveman#1: ...and that is how we'll create something called the Internet.

Caveman#2: Sounds great! But first, lets go swimming in the Tar Pits!

Caveman#1: Sure!
(Both Die after screams of terror and pain in boiling hot tar)

Example B
Senario: Two Cavemen in their Cave, with a Critic Caveman

Caveman#1: ...and that is how we'll create soemthing called the Internet.

Caveman#2: Sounds great! But first...

Critic: Fuck no. There is no 'but first' here. You go do whatever the hell you want, but Caveman #1 and I will get on making this Internet thing.

(Caveman#2 sulks off, after having his feelings hurt, and dies a horrible death in the tar pits)
(Caveman#1 and Critic create the Internet, and get the names Al Gore and Bill Gates...what, he did create the Internet didn't he?)

See? Our entire existence and current technology is all because of a single Critic. Critics are owed more than you think, so remember that before you put money in the collection basket at Church/Temple/Mosque/Grandma's house (or in your pastors hands, if you are one of THOSE people).